(PARODY) If You Care About Integrity in Sports, Boycott the 2020 MLB Season

After reading Ethan Myer’s absolutely insane article prompting fans to boycott Monday’s College Football National Championship, I have decided to write a satirical piece of my own. However, this time I will be urging fans to boycott the 2020 MLB season. Please remember this is mainly a satirical article and in no way should this be taken seriously. The sport of baseball is one of the most beautiful blends of pure athletic skill and strategy. While there are some teams who like to cheat more than others *cough *cough (the Astros and Red Sox), there are still a vast majority of organizations around the league who operate within the rules of the game. Here are 5 items that must be addressed before I will tune into another MLB game again.

  1. A.J. Hinch, Jeff Luhnow, and Alex Cora should be banned from MLB and subject to 10-20 years in the federal penitentiary.

On Monday, MLB announced that both Hinch and Luhnow would be suspended for one year due to their active involvement in the Astros sign-stealing scandal. Alex Cora is still awaiting his punishment. Meanwhile, all three have been fired from their respective positions.

In my opinion, if you told any person in professional baseball they could cheat profusely to win a coveted World Series title and only be suspended one season, 95% of them would do it in a heartbeat. Heck, I think if you offered the scenario to the team’s janitor they would offer up their own trash cans for the cause. Getting to the summit of MLB by winning a World Series is a grueling task and any and all shortcuts are probably discussed at length before the season. Thus, if MLB really wants to set an example they will ban Hinch, Luhnow and Cora from the game and send them to the state penitentiary in Huntsville, Texas where they ought never to be heard from again. Pete Rose received a lifetime ban for betting on games which is nothing compared to the unethical actions taken by the three degenerates mentioned above. Rob Manfred, you finally have the chance to make a lasting impact that 100% of true baseball fans will agree upon.*Houston Astros fans are not true baseball fans and therefore, were not included in this tally.

2. 2020 Houston Astros are forced to play every game on the road and each player is subject to use their non-dominant hand in competition.

In all honesty, I stole this from Twitter yet I still believe this is a great idea. In a press conference Monday, Astros owner Jim Crane repeatedly told reporters he had absolutely no idea what was going on in the Astros dugout in 2017. While I respect Crane for immediately firing Hinch and Luhnow upon completion of MLB’s investigation, I find it hard to believe that he hadn’t a clue of what was truly happening behind the scenes. Thus, his ballclub should be punished. Minute Maid Park should be ceased from opening its doors in 2020 and the organization should be barred from selling any merchandise. This punishment should be financially crippling to the Astros. In addition, there are still many players from that 2017 team on the current roster. Thus, any member of the 2017 team that is currently on the Astros must use their non-dominant hand throughout the season. Right-handed hitters such as Alex Bregman and Build-A-Bear Workshop Jose Altuve must bat left-handed. If you thought Verlander was terrible during the playoffs, imagine him now as a southpaw. I suspect the Astros go around 10-152, with 10 wins over the Texas Rangers.

3. MLB revokes the 2017 World Series Title from the Houston Astros.

Now we get to the part which Yankee fans shall relish. Since it is proven that the Astros are lying, disgraceful cheaters, their 2017 WS title should be revoked. Now should the Dodgers just be handed the World Series since they lost to the Astros that year? Since Clayton Kershaw has been deemed the worst playoff pitcher in recent memory, I believe it is only fair that the New York Yankees, the runner-ups in the ALCS to the Astros, get the chance to face the Dodgers for a chance at the title. Thus, the 2017 Yankees and 2017 Dodgers will regroup and play a best of 7 series in the Dominican Republic beginning on February 14. Both Joe Girardi and Didi Gregorious will be summoned from their posts in Philadelphia to take part in the series. Likewise, C.C. Sabathia will come out of retirement to start game 3 which will be turned into a slow-pitch softball game to give the big man a chance.

4. MLB revokes the 2018 World Series Title from the Boston Red Sox.

Since we know Alex Cora was heavily involved in the 2017 Astros scandal, we can only assume he brought his sign-stealing ways to Boston. I highly doubt it was a coincidence the Red Sox won the World Series in his first year at the helm. Thus, it is only reasonable that the Red Sox be stripped of their 2018 World Series title. This time, however, the Dodgers should be crowned champions of baseball.

5. Houston Astros organization is subject to pay off any and all minor league pitchers whose careers they ruined through their deliberate stealing of other teams signs.

Throughout all this corruption, there had to have been several pitchers whose careers were ruined by the Astros’ cheating ways. MLB should do an active investigation into the monetary damage that was caused by the sign-stealing and force the Astros organization to pay any and all pitchers who were victims of such heinous crimes.

If you care about integrity in sports, boycott the 2020 MLB season until the aforementioned items are addressed.


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